There is a saying that goes, “Only look back to see how far you have come”. So let me dedicate #flashbackfriday to thanking God for helping me through one of the darkest times of my life. My first miscarriage.
Below is my poem I wrote ten and a half years ago and I can’t begin to imagine how different my life may have been, if I had stayed in that place of bitterness, self-pity and depression, which threatened to smother me. I was stuck there for some time but by the grace of God and the daily decision to choose to move forward, even when I didn’t feel like it, eventually it was possible to slowly crawl out from under that blanket of despair and find joy again.
“Don’t stay in a place that causes you pain. The world is too big and beautiful.” – Unknown
With the final school term underway, Grade 12 learners finishing school today, and children’s Christmas photos being taken, the phrase “…they are growing up too fast…” is thrown around in conversations with friends and I can’t help but respond (in my head of course), if you think that is hard, try not seeing them grow up at all! I am only human and battle to control my thoughts at times but generally I’m able to delight in sharing these milestones with the moms but it doesn’t mean my heart isn’t breaking too.
As always, I share my story to encourage others to do the same. I challenge you to be vulnerable this weekend. If you need to talk to someone about your own struggles, find a person you trust and share with them.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou
PAIN TO PURPOSE
First it was one, then another two.
Painfully, I lost the three of you.
A few short weeks was all we had.
May I grieve, Lord, perhaps be mad?
You gave them to me, then took them away.
It was hard to understand You on that day.
My dream of becoming a mom has not come true,
But I’m doing my best to bring glory to You.
I’ll focus on blessing others to help ease the pain.
Not hang on to questions no one can explain.
Must capture my thoughts, learn to control my mind,
Still believe a more caring God, you cannot find.
I know I will see them face to face,
And this promise, along with Your daily grace,
Lets me live a life of freedom and victory.
Even without child, still leave a mark in history.
My precious little angels whose early flight,
Carried them into my Saviour’s sight.
I’ll never forget you, simply trust and obey,
That we’ll love and play in heaven someday.
Debbie Ivins, April 2007